Yes, I Did the Unthinkable

As you know I have been flying around the last few weeks. First Montreal, then Texas. But now I'm home and don't have to travel--besides local trips--for another few weeks.

In the many years that I have been a frequent traveller, I only recount doing "the unthinkable" one other time, but I had to do it on a recent flight and I think I will be traumatized for life. Yes, that's right. I needed to "fully" use the toilet on an airplane [insert gasps of horror here].

After what seemed like a half hour of delicately layering toilet paper on the seat, I had properly created what must have been nearly an inch of paper protection (sorry, environment). Of course then the goal became positioning myself just right so as not to disrupt any of the precarious toilet paper layering. Having not done this often, however, I proceeded to bump half of the toilet paper right into the bowl. Damn. Now I had to start over with the layering process.

After another half hour I finished the protection process and managed to get the engineering just right so as not to disrupt the layering as I sat on the well-protected yet still disturbing throne. All I could think of as I sat there was that taking a crap at 37,000 feet was one of the most unnatural acts possible.

Then, of course, I became slightly panicked as to the possible odors that I was going to leave. But I knew there was no way I was going to give a "courtesy flush" (see previous post) while still seated. I am certain that blue water would leave an embarrassing permanent stain on my derriere that would not be fun explaining for the rest of my life.

As a precaution, I flushed the toilet nearly 10 times after finishing and washed my hands several times to fill the air with soap smell. Of course, all that accomplished was the creation of a whole other aroma I'm sure the next person was not going to appreciate. And, from the time it took to cover the seat twice and ponder what my ancestors-before-plane-travel would think of me "taking care of business" miles above the earth, I knew there was going to be a line of people waiting.

I decided I would leave with my head held high and ignore the stares and pointing fingers. As I made my way back to my seat, I felt gratitude that the whole incident was now in the past. Nobody would ever remember or see me again. In fact, I was sure most had no idea the ordeal I had just experienced. Wait. What was that at my feet? Was that? Yes folks, I actually managed to trail toilet paper through the aisle and right to my seat.